just a girl in the world.

<3

my sister is at work.. so I’m sitting alone in her bedroom.. listening to Wale and writing all of my feelings. I couldn’t be more like her if I tried, and I love it. I am so proud to have such an amazing big sister.

& maybe I like who I’m becoming.. <3

I look back on the last three years, and things couldn’t be more different.

I’ve gained friends and lost some, kept relationships and lost them, and really grown as a person through it all. I’ve been told that lately I’ve been changing, but I don’t see it as a bad thing anymore.

At first, I was scared of change. Scared of losing who I once was, since it was the only me that I had ever known.. but things have changed. Life has changed, so I have to change with it. I’ve gone from being a close minded girl, who doesn’t know what she wants and isn’t doing anything to figure it out.. to a young woman who is doing her best to find herself, and figure out what she needs in life. What I need. What I need from my family, my friends, but most importantly, myself.

I’m trying new things, keeping an open mind, and becoming more outgoing.. becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I’m expieriencing life in a new way, and it’s making me happier than ever.

Trying to find myself and what I need, thusfar, has come with a lot of heart ache, anxiety, and tears, but it will all be worth it in the end. Everything gets worse before it gets better, right? I’m surrounding myself with people who care about me, and want me to succeed. People who would do anything to help me, in a heart beat, and that know I’d do the same for them.

Either way, I’m finally happy. Happy with myself, and happy with life. Even after the last two weeks being pretty upsetting, I’ve been able to keep my head up. Not only do I like who I’m becoming, but I’m so proud of it, as well.

I’m so blessed for the people God has blessed me with.. <3

When push comes to shove.. I’ll be the one to break.

No matter what I ask of you.. you’d do anything for me.

Which only makes this harder. I love you and I want you..
You’d never ask me to do something I didn’t want.

I’m only fighting myself here..

<3

Ever been in that place where you just can’t stop smiling?

Sooo happy that no matter what goes wrong, it can’t bring you down?

That’s where I am.. and I love it. I love everything.

God has blessed me with so much. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

<3

It’s the wrong thing to do..

What IS the wrong thing to do.. better yet, what’s the right thing to do?

I’ve played through every rational, and every ridiculous, scenario in my head.. over and over again. I’ve thought about every choice.. and every consequence. I know that waiting will make our time together better, but what if I can’t continue to be patient. I know what I want. I want you, so why is this so confusing? Why is it so hard to convince myself of what I already know that I want?

Knowing what you want is one thing.. knowing what’s best for you is what’s hard.

Boy, nobody has ever had me like this before. You have a hold of my heart. I’ve been here before.. but I made the wrong choice. So now it should be easy.. right? I pushed you away before. I couldn’t let you love me, because my heart was guarded.. being protected from the slightest hurt.. not willing to let you in. I ran away because of it.. but it’s different now. I won’t run again.. why run from something you crave?

You used to be the reason for my tears, now you’re the only reason I’m smiling.

Running isn’t right.. But neither is starting like this. We made a plan and it’s time to follow through. It’s our worst habbit.. jumping at an oportunity, instead of letting things play out and following through.. time to be adults and use are heads as much as our hearts. As much as we want it.. it’s the wrong thing to do. So no matter how much we crave it, our emotions can’t get the best of us. We knew it’d be hard.

I want to be with you, to be with you.. not just to lay with you.

<3

To make this easy..

Fuck it, let’s just be together.

Let’s forget everyone and everything that ever made us fight. That’s how I would want this to work.. but it could never work like that.

When I say I love you, please know that this is real. I love you more than words can describe. Four years and you still manage to give me butterflies. I want the love that every girl wants. The love you see in the movies, where they’re our age when they meet.. and they grow old together, loving each other the same as the first day they met. I wish that this is how life could be. How WE could be. But it’s not, and it never will be.

The difference between love in the movies, and love in real life.. is the struggle. We’ve been through more in these four years then most people ever deal with in their life. And if I could go back? I wouldn’t take anything back. None of it.. because it’s only made us stronger. Without these hard times, we’d still be clueless on what it’s like to work together to get through this.. and now that’s what we do best.

We could say that there’s nothing wrong, but there is. We’ve tried this, and it’s never worked before. So what’s different now? We have to find ourselves before we can be together, and I feel like now is the perfect time. We have until you move back in the fall. Time to just be friends and be there for each other as we start this journey. Start the journey as best friends, and see where it takes us from there.

I’ve learned that it’s true; you have to love yourself before you can truly love anyone else. This is what I need to work on, baby. I know it’s going to be hard, but I have to find myself, and work on me for now. Learn to love myself and follow my dreams without needing everyone around me right next to me. Learn to do things on my own before I can give myself to you again.

I know you know the things you need, and know this means that I will be here every step of the way. Your support would be perfect, but I understand if you’re upset. I know we can do this. You’re right, we were at our best when we first fell for each other. Before we let bull shit get between us and we lost sight of ourselves in the process.

I want this for you, because you deserve the best.
I want this for me, because it’s what I need.
I want this for us, because we’re at our best when we’re together.

I love you. Never question it.

03.05.2012<3

Dear superficial girls on facebook-

Shut the fuck up. We ALL get it. EVERYONE gets it.. you’re stick thin, and you look pretty without trying.

But I swear, the next time I read a status like “Some people shouldn’t wear yoga pants..” or “wearing yoga pants is a privilege, not a right.” I’m going to fucking explode! You have NO right to tell people what they can or cant wear. GIRLS LIKE THAT are the reason SOOO many girls struggle with low self esteem, depression, and distorted body image. You’re obviously insecure, so you have to tear everyone else down.

Fucking rant.

Sincerely,
I love my body.. and I’ll wear what I want. I don’t need your approval.

my mom just tries to kick me out.. at 530 in the morning. while my dad is screaming in pain from his surgery in the next room. are ya fuckin’ kidding me?